Online Dating Tips for Men

Over the past few weeks, fresh into the world of dating. I have joined a few online websites. Some of which I have joined and then found there are an outrageous amount of hidden charges, making the website pointless without paying a charge which is the same cost as a small tropical island.

Memo to self. Start a dating website. Make a fortune. Tease broken-hearted people with the idea of love and become minted.

I decided a friend’s tip off of a site – who is now happily in a relationship – was the way to go. And it’s a freebie site.

I sign up and go through the awkward stages of writing interesting but yet not giving away too much in all the ‘About Me’ sections. My favourite has to be the ‘Why are you here’ section. I mean, isn’t it kind of obvious?

Do you drink? Do you smoke? Do you do drugs? Do you have pets? What was your cats mothers name? It does go on a bit.

Half an hour of my life whilst sipping my soy cappuccino I finally get there. Now to await the “Hits”. Do I really want to be hit online?

The next day I download the handy app to check how things are going and actually do my first proper search. Amazement with seeing over 300 messages, likes, profile views, winks, nudges, hits etc. Wow. I ignore the profile views and winking faces and fast track to the messages, as this is the important and somewhat tricky aspect to online dating.

As I begin sifting through the emails I come to the conclusions, quickly, most men do not know how to write to women and chivalry and romance is official dead. I learnt this from Machoman69 with his tasteful message of ‘spunk bucket’. Delete. Sorry Machoman69.

I find it so interesting reading these messages finding out what men think is acceptable to write to a stranger. This is an email to introduce yourself to a perspective person you might one day date and possible have a relationship with, and maybe marry. So, ‘Do you like to party?’, ‘Fit’, ‘Real or fake’, ‘Spit or swallow’ and ‘I will ruin you’, just don’t cut it.

After hours, days and countless chats with my friends, ‘Look at this dickhead. That’s how he’s attempting to pull women’. I have come up with a male friendly, super female friendly guide for men setting up online dating pages.

1.    The Photo: A photo of just you. Not you and your mates on a jolly, off your face. Just you. Do not pose. You’re not doing a spread in Playgirl magazine, remove the sunglasses and keep the shirt on. Selfies aren’t a complete no no but the duck face has to go.

2.    Bio: Actually describe yourself. What you do, what you like, how you like to socialize. Keep it light hearted. Don’t write a novel. Leave room for the ladies to ask questions and get to know you.

3.    Shopping List: DO NOT WRITE A SHOPPING LIST. So many of the guys profiles read like a girlfriend shopping list, she must be fit, like to drink, big boob, cook, up for a laugh, enjoy the cinema, risk taker, preferably brunette, etc. We are not item, products, things. Don’t list or treat us like that. And you haven’t been good enough this year for Santa to sort a gift that good out for you.

4.    First Email: Start simple and easy. A simple ‘Hello, how has your day been?’ can go a long way. Add in a little twist or character if you want but keep it short and sweet. When it’s an epic read (majority of the time a obvious copy and paste job) we probably don’t have the time and can’t be asked to read the full thing.

5.    Keeping it interesting: Make things interesting. Ask questions. Nothing worse than someone talking about their day-to-day life and not asking about yours. Don’t come on too strong. Asking, what do you look for in a man, how many children do you want, a summer or spring wedding, is just too much too soon. Grab a glass of wine first to soften the blow.

These are just a few opinions from my dating experience, and I am very sure there are many women out there that fail at the above guidelines. But at least I know if one person follows these steps, then that’s one less profile I need to delete from my phone and memory. Selfish much?

Am I that single girl who has conquered emotional eating?

I kick my trainers off. Frantically strip my tank top, leggings and underwear off and threw them across the room. Standing butt naked. I am alone. Actually alone. In a central London gym changing room. At peak time. This is utterly unheard of. Victory lap?

Then the scales begin to threaten me from across the room. I look in the mirror and me breathing in. Fluoresce lighting and cellulite. Arse! I walk confidently to the scales. Then pause. Do I actually want to do this? Do I want to know the answer to this never-ending question?

Fuck it. I get on.

Five kilograms. Lost. Happy days. ‘Happy happy skinny days’ I think, ignoring the new patch of cellulite I had just discovered.

After my recent break up I discovered that I am an emotional eater. But I am also an emotional starver too. How can I do/be both baffles me. But it seems that as my brain begins to digest and process what is happening in my emotional world, my stomach just stops. Allowing all of my bodies effort to go into thinking. Lots of thinking.

After that initial ‘I think we should stop seeing each other conversation’ my stomach no longer wanted anything. It stopped working. Required a hard reset. Was closed and off on vacation. And it did not once cross my mind. I never once felt hungry. I never thought of food. My mind was completely distracted going over and over every conversation we had ever had. Scanning through my brains memory files reflecting on his body language and reactions. Searching for that moment it all went wrong. That moment he decided he did not love me anymore. A non-stop overthinking week and a half went past incredible slowly. A week and a half of just eating cereal bars, orange juice and protein shakes. In this time I lost just under a stone in 10 days. Maybe this could be the new fad diet? Break Up, Thin Up.

After my newfound fad diet I decided that crying myself to sleep wasn’t the answer. So I went to beautiful Italy to continue crying myself to sleep, but this time just in the glorious sunshine. My stomach had shrunk and was still not craving food, but I couldn’t resist nibbling on the fine Italian foods. By the end of my break I was still overthinking every coma used in all What’s App messages and was happily tucking into three courses of fine full-fat-carb-high sugar-alcohol fueled meals. Delicious.

The general not so healthy eating continued and continued and continued. Week after week.

Now, I am a real gym bunny. If I could I would go twice a day, seven days a week. So even with my continuous eating I wasn’t getting ‘fat’ but I was getting soft and a bit flabby. And it was really noticed on a night out in Blackpool, when I put on a dress that fitted me perfectly 6 weeks before, and now I had to squeeze myself into it with the help of two friends holding various fatty body parts as they carefully forced the zip up whilst trying not the split the seam. I realized this emotional eating had to stop. Now. It is one thing being broken hearted and single. But another being broken hearted, single and flabby.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will begin to conquer my dreams. Tomorrow I will get my dream body back. Right after, the pint, chips and mayo.

Tomorrow came.

The fridge was full with fruit and vegetable and lean meats. I had researched and written out a (practical for my schedule) healthy food plan. I began getting up early to fit in a morning runs before going to work and then attending the gym 4-5 times a week. The most important part to this new life plan was making time to see good friends for good time. Sometimes work takes over my life and this aspect can get pushed to the side. I need to take control of this and begin to say ‘Yes’ more. This was not just a physical get fit, get happy thing. This was a physically and mentally get super fit, get super happy. Forever thing.

I was concerned my energy levels would be down and I wouldn’t sleep well, and would suffer from fatigued with doing so much. But the complete opposite occurred. My energy levels were at an all time high. I was sleeping like a baby or a drunk on The Strand. I was enjoying delicious healthy food, and training my arse off and loving every second. My entire days were filled to the brim with hardcore gym time, challenging work, having a social life and laughter.

And now I am stood here in the gym, naked with the scales dominating the room. I place one foot on the scale slowly and bigger the other one up to meet it, extra slowly so not to increase the weight too much.

Bingo. Five kilograms. Weeks of hard work. Weeks of fun. Weeks of returning to being me. And finally the weight is off. Not the 5kg, but the excess weight of the ex boyfriend, the baggage, the misery of the lies, the heartache. It has taken time and I am sure there will be emotional eating temptation when a memory is jogged or I come across an old photo. But as I highjack Kate Moss’s famous quote, ‘nothing tastes as good, as emotional freedom’.

Am I that single girl who has conquered emotional eating?

Am I that single girl in control of her clitoris?

On a recent girls catch-up, my girlfriend and myself wondered round Central London with vitamin packed smoothies in hand. As we head the direction of Soho the number of sex shops began to increase along with my excitement for the ultimate girls shopping adventure. My friend is getting married in a few weeks so I suggest a shopping spurge to get something for the famous wedding night and the weeklong honeymoon. She was not as excited as I thought to the idea of sexy lingerie and frisky sex aids. I drag her in, just for a look.

As she looked through the wedding lingerie they had and picked out some nice little numbers, I began eyeing up the ladies toys. Most of which I had tried and tested or at least another ‘brands’ version.  My friend joined me and with an appalled look on her face turned to me and said, ‘Don’t they just burn off your clitoris?’

‘Have you never used a vibrator on yourself or with your boyfriend?’ I questioned.

‘Never. I’ve never given myself an orgasm.’ My eyes widen in shock and sadness to the years wasted without no mess orgasm’s.

We later meet up with another friend and the sex toy moment came up. Amazement as I find out my other friend has too, never used a sex toy and never masturbated. Wow.

‘I’ve just always had sex with my boyfriend and relied on him.’

But…but…but… what did you do when you were single, or he isn’t doing anything you like, or he’s working away or not in the mood or your just horny, or bored?

Astonished by this I ask why and a simply reply is thrown back at me. ‘How do you know what to do or buy?’ This is so true. I have a drawer at home full of bits and bobs I have bought over the years and many of them I have used once and never again. Now I understand that this is a preference thing but from what is suggested in magazines and from what you watch on TV, bigger isn’t always better.

Both of them sat there with eyes in headlights as we began discuss a sex life on your own. They bombared me with questions of all varieties, desperate to find out about this unashamed world they have never entered.

I was very much a late bloomer in the world of sex and my own sexy alone times, and it took a drunken night with a work colleague where she shouted ‘seize your clitoris’ at midnight, on The Strand, on a crowded Friday night. After the embarrassment drained from me face I looked into what was out there. And of course the obverse Rampant Rabbit was my first purchase. Later that night I attempted to use it with full on terror. Nope, did not float my boat. I returned to the shop and was advised to try something smaller. Makes it sound like you are shopping for dress for a date. But I was the best orgasm advice a girl can have.

That night I had my first solo orgasm. The first of many.

Over the years I tried out different thing, not loving everything, but LOVING some things. This led to a new sexual energy, freedom and even more enjoyment when I was with a partner. Can sex toys improve the female libido? I believe a massive, YES! If you can conquer your own clitoris and no the do’s and don’ts down there then surely this makes life easier for you partner who wants to provide the ultimate pleasure to you.

After years of tried and tested encounters I made up some handy tip for my girlfriends:

·       Start small and slowly build. There are so many different versions of the Bullet out there, which is the perfect start to the sex toy world. It is a small vibrate that is about the same size as a lipstick, designed for clitoris stimulation. Don’t think because of its size it won’t pack much power because you will be quickly surprised. Some come with different settings and speeds, which can slowly draw you out of your comfort zone.

·       Silence is golden. There is nothing worse than when you are nervously trying out something new and it sounds like a hoover craft has landed in your bed. There are many sex toys that are silent, so the embarrassing buzz is banished, allowing you to just focus on you and not the neighbors hearing you next door.

·       Introducing the boy to the sex toy. This can sometimes be tricky as they may find it competition so start really small. A vibrating cock ring is the perfect start. The vibration will stimulate your clitoris whilst his penis is 100% in use making him feel more than adequate. As soon as you are screaming your head off I’m sure he won’t a cheeky shopping trip for your next taster.

·       Couple sex toys. You can build to bigger items but still making the boy feel like the man. Why not try an sex toy with a remote control leaving all the power quite literally in your partner’s hands. Win. Win. You get a great orgasm, he feels in control and like he has satisfied your sexual needs.

A few weeks later I meet up with the ladies, who both revealed they are conquering their clitorises. Hallelujah, praise the sex gods. My work here is done.

Am I that single girl in control of her clitoris?