“It’s
gone again.”
“I’m
tired… You know works stressful at the moment… And you have put on a bit of
weight… It’s not my fault, you’re just not turning me on as much.”
WOW!
My
relationship with a past boyfriend started like a whirlwind. There was an instant
spark and attraction to one another. I had never had passion like this before.
The
first night together was, lovely. We didn’t have full-blown sex but everything
seemed to be working correctly. I just took the no finish ending down to first
time nervous. But that’s normal, right?
As the
relationship developed so did the relevance’s of a small problem.
At first
I didn’t release or even think it was a problem just a minor speed bump in our journey
together. No big deal. But as the lack of an erect penis occurred more and more
frequent I tried to address it and talk to him.
I lured
him in with his favourite food and beer to make him feel relaxed and
comfortable to have a sensitive chat about his out of order cock. As we began
talking. Well when I say talking I mean me asking is everything okay in a soft
tone as I massaged his feet, while he grunted and shrugged his shoulders and
avoided eye contact. After a few minutes of soothing words of ‘I love you’, ‘I
want you to feel confortable with me’, ‘I want to make you happy’, he snapped.
Stand by
to see a red faced, veins raison and verbally abusive man I am in love with. Go!
“Its you…
You make me nervous… You’ve put on weight… You need to wear more make-up… You
should get bigger boobs… Wear slutty clothes... And works stressful… I’ve just
been promoted… I have a lot on… I don’t want to talk to you about this... It’s
none of your business.”
Four
weeks pass.
I lose a
stone and have shredded abs. I win a beauty pageant to make him proud and to
feel sexy again. I wear two chicken fillets under each boob in my newly bought
Wonderbra. My clothes are both shorter and tighter. Yet, no erection. 6 weeks
of hours of foreplay, kinky toys, sexy costumes, no clothes at all, role-plays,
outside adventures, ‘special’ films and no sex. Not even a peep or hint of a
semi. But six long weeks of dismissal, rejection, neglect and verbal abuse,
because of course his erectile dysfunction is 100% my fault.
I had
never felt so low.
Gosh
knows how he must of felt.
I spent
all of my spare time travelling hours to visit him whilst he was away at work.
Treated him constantly to gifts, days and nights out trying to make him happy
and love me again like it was in the beginning, before I brought up any of this
problem. As money came into my account it rapidly went out. A majority of the
time the money was not in the account. The new car and the holiday pushed my
bank balance and credit cards to the limit, and yet this shadow of a man was
still all I was left with.
Then I
thought maybe he just doesn’t love me. Never did and never will. Maybe the
whole ‘issue/problem’ is entirely my fault.
As my
relationship hit rock bottom I Google erectile dysfunction (ED) to attempt to
understand and try and help improve our relationship and his wellbeing. The
more and more information I read the more and more I realized he was suffering
from posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from his career in the Armed Forces.
I was amazed to learn that men in the military are 3 times more likely to
suffer from ED than civilian men, and that 80% of men with PTSD suffer with ED.
But what shocked me this most was that lack of help available.
That
night I decided to brooch the subject again with my newfound knowledge and
possible solutions to aid these issues. Therapy and Sex therapy were dismissed before
I even said the ‘rapy’ in therapy.
“I am a
man. A lad. I’m am not a pathetic woman. This is your problem.”
Over the
course of the next few weeks our relationship drastically went down hill and
for two weeks as he worked away I did not hear from him. I moved out and to
this day have not spoke to him since.
It took
a while for me to feel attractive again after of months of being beaten down
day after day. I regularly wonder how he feels, and if he had the courage to
deal with his ED. Take control his life. His relationships. His penis and its
physiological issues that come with it.
